Here is a summary and the best quotes from Lamar Odom’s memoir.
If you’ve never seen Lamar Odom ball and only know him for his affiliation with the Kardashian clan, what are you doing?
This man was a really talented basketball player.
He was doing things that players his size, especially during the 2000s, shouldn’t have been doing.
At 6-10, Odom was handling the ball like a good streetballer and making plays like a top point guard. He was mobile, big, aggressive and skilled enough to play an all-around game.
This unique combination made me a fan of his and I tried to watch him play as often as possible. I also tried to get him on all of my NBA Live teams because of his height and versatility.
He was skilled on the basketball court, for sure. But he had demons in his personal life.
And these demons are the theme of his book, Darkness to Light.
In Odom’s memoir, he talks about the traumatizing events he faced throughout his life, such as the deaths of family members, that served as the root of his demons, such as drugs and sex, and how he overcame them.
Through the chapters, he chronicles the eras of his life and, in detail, talks about the dark events that happened.
He also talks about how he relied on his vices to deal with bad feelings and how these actions affected him, those around him and the consequences that followed.
This book is dark and emotional and, like Kobe Bryant’s book and Shaquille O’Neal’s book, I enjoyed reading it.
I was intrigued to learn how his problems arose and his struggles to fix them; the story vividly details the thoughts that go on inside the minds of addicts and explains why they behave the way that they do (for example, why they lie about their drug use).
It showed me that even though it was an arduous task, that it was an uphill battle to fight his addictions, he was able to be victorious and there can always be a happy ending if you keep progressing.
Again, this book is great and I recommend it to anyone who is a fan of Lamar Odom or wants to get a first-hand account of what it’s like to have a severe addiction.
My Favourite Quotes
Here are my favourite quotes from Darkness to Light:
(Bolded quotes talk about basketball.)
“I discovered early on that while my mind wandered in the classroom or during a test, I could figure things out easily on a basketball court. I became a problem solver. Where other kids forced shots up, I drew defenders and made the extra pass. I saw the value in surveying the entire concrete court to make plays instead of pounding the ball into the pavement with my head down.”
“My handle became second nature as there was rarely a moment that worn-out basketball wasn’t in my hands. I crashed the boards with abandon, using my height and leaping ability to smash opposing players’ shots into the fence. I was determined to beat people off the dribble as if my life depended on it. And in truth, maybe it did. My court vision, which would ultimately become the key to my game, began to sharpen. I could see passing angles even most adults couldn’t.”
“In the end, I would make New York City basketball history by setting the CHSAA record for points in a championship game, breaking the mark held by Power Memorial’s Lew Alcindor (who would later change his name to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar).”
“I moved at my own pace, but apart from being late for school or the occasional practice, no one had ever really said anything to me about my relaxed demeanor. I haven’t changed much since then, but today I am more aware that behind that young teenager who just rolled with the flow was someone not entirely present.”
“I still hadn’t opened up to anyone about how devastated my mom’s death left me. I didn’t talk about my depression or anxiety—hell, I didn’t even have those words in my vocabulary yet. I was consumed with fear and panicked whenever I thought about losing another family member and being left alone.”
“Without a ball in my hand, I was consumed by loneliness. To deal with it, I isolated myself. I’d go into my room, close the door, and make myself cry. I thought that if I cried enough, I could make the pain go away. I would drain it from my body. But it never worked. I only felt more helpless. Being in the house made me sad.”
“Ron [Artest] coming to my rescue made me aware for the first time how closely tied together we all were as we tried to navigate the world of high school basketball. We all played a role in each other’s story.”
“James, Ron, and Lamar. The three biggest high school basketball standouts in the city and what we all had in common, which time will likely forget. People looked at us as basketball stars. Colleges saw us as tickets to the Final Four. Sneaker companies saw us as future pitchmen. But in truth, all three of us were kids from the New York area who suffered from one form or other of mental illness or substance abuse, or both. But those things were either buried deep beneath the surface or dismissed altogether.”
“We were damaged and undiagnosed. To the machinery of basketball, each of us was nothing more than a temporary commodity. They sold us a dream and we bought it.”
“I wanted to feel something and nothing at the exact same time. Again, that would become a recurring theme in my life.”
“UNLV rescinded my scholarship. This was one of the darkest days of my life. All these years of shrugging things off and taking the easy way out, avoiding confrontation and not wanting to do the work, finally came back to bite me.”
“My feelings of abandonment, which I was constantly fighting off, overtook me. I was supposed to be this big-time basketball star, and guys like that don’t go to people with issues about their feelings. I wasn’t allowed to be vulnerable. So, I once again turned inward and self-medicated with weed.”
“I’ve had separation anxiety since my mother died, although back then I didn’t know there was a name for it. I hated to be alone. The feeling that no one was around and that I’d been abandoned could easily trigger the pain of my mother’s death, which constantly lingered, haunting both my dreams and my waking hours. To this day, I find it ironic that when things get the darkest, I choose to be alone. I retreat to where no one can find me.”
“One night in October, I was feeling particularly vulnerable. T-Bell and I were in our suite around eight o’clock in the evening when everything came rushing back: UNLV, my fractured relationship with Sonny, being redshirted, and, as always, my mom. I couldn’t shake the feeling of failure. I wanted to get the hell out of Rhode Island. T-Bell was caught off guard by my revelations.”
“The truth is I lied. The workout wasn’t canceled. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to be a [Chicago] Bull. Looking back, I feel like I simply didn’t want the pressure or the responsibility. That was a damn bright spotlight. I believed in my abilities, and I’ve always stood out, but I like being in a situation where I share the load with my teammates… I didn’t want an entire franchise to rely on me. Or put their hopes in me. To be honest, I don’t know. I just knew I didn’t want to play for Chicago. Not even if it meant going down in history as the number-one overall pick.”
“I could feel my hands sweating and my chest tightening. It didn’t seem real that my mother was right there. I was this close to Mommy. I tried not to think about the pain and to instead remember the good times and the things she taught me. I wondered how proud she would be if she could see where I was going.”
“When I arrived at my first practice, I was not impressed with what I saw. Back then the Clippers practiced at Southwest College, a community college not far from South Central, while classes were in session. Students would peek through the double doors of the gym while we worked on defensive rotations or ran sprints. When it got hot in the gym, we propped open the back door with a cinder block. There was no security. Anyone could walk in, and they often did. There wasn’t even a place to shower. We had to drive home in our sweaty practice gear. If someone needed some muscle work, a trainer propped up a massage table at the end of the court. The facilities were the worst in the league, and part of the reason the Clippers were a laughingstock had to do with the tight-fisted owner, Donald Sterling. The facilities were barely suitable for a junior college team, let alone an NBA franchise.”
“People believed me, but the words felt hollow. I used the phrase “my mistake,” but it wasn’t a mistake. It was a habit. A lifestyle. I was surprised it actually took this long for someone to catch me [using marijuana], but I knew I wasn’t going to stop. I just figured I had to be more careful or at least wait until the summer when there would be no random tests.”
“Riley taught me discipline. For all my gifts, I didn’t have a clue about hard work and discipline. Pat loved my game but hated the way I went about the business of becoming a better basketball player. That was a hard pill for me to swallow. I wanted to be great, but I wasn’t ready for the way Riley taught the game. When I arrived in Miami, I was a poodle. When I left I was a pit bull.”
“He talked to me every day about improving even the smallest detail of my game: from body language to taking a breath on the free-throw line. For Riley, there was no such thing as a detail too small.”
“Riley taught me the true meaning of the word ‘disposition.’ It was one of his favorite words, and he would repeat it over and over. How you carry yourself. Your body language. How you react when things aren’t going right. The image you put out for others to see.”
“I could hear that it was difficult for him to get the words out. His voice cracked and he began to choke up. So did I. There was a knot in my throat, and I hoped he’d keep speaking so I wouldn’t have to. His words confirmed what I had hoped to be true—that Pat Riley loved me. He cared about me as more than just a basketball player. In that moment, that meant more to me than bonuses and trade clauses. It was the most difficult talk I’ve ever had with a basketball executive.”
“I have been obsessed with sex as long as I can remember. I love to touch women, and I need to feel close to women and feel their skin on mine. To touch a woman is to feel safe. The physical contact is something that I need. It doesn’t even have to always be sex. If it’s spooning on the bed, it will satisfy me just the same. I just need the connection.”
“I’ve been looking for my mother ever since she died. I looked for her in the women I took home. I used sex to fill the void . . . to make me feel complete. I wanted to be loved, but I could never find love. I could be physically fulfilled, but I was always left emotionally empty. I would fuck five or six girls a week, but my demons tormented me the one night I went home alone. I needed women as an outlet . . . an escape.”
“I stood there wondering what the fuck just happened. I was blown away. A new dimension had come into my life. Cocaine. And the way it made me feel. How it went straight to my cock. I had to feel that way again. Like, right then. I wanted to fuck on cocaine.”
“I never had another teammate with the drive Kobe had. Even when his personal life was in utter turmoil he never lost that drive. But I knew being in such close proximity to someone as competitive as Kobe would be perfect for me.”
“I was a drug addict plain and simple. I had arrived at this terrible, unwanted, inevitable conclusion almost on cruise control. It felt like destiny. I had been building the résumé before I had ever rolled my first joint. Or, to be clearer, others had been writing it for me.”
“Depression is like having a demon with a sword at the back of your neck every step you take, but when you turn, he won’t talk to you. The fact that you can’t look him in the eye, or are unable to, is the most frightening of all. You don’t want to acknowledge him. But he’s there.”
“That demon will always be on the back of a twelve-year-old kid. That’s when I first saw him. A kid with no power. It’s easy to torment a kid who can’t fight back. But I’m not twelve anymore, and that’s the most frustrating thing about it. I’m thirty-nine as I write this. I’m not supposed to be afraid or weak. But I am. My mother is still dead. Sometimes I had to ask myself if I was, too.”
“‘We’re going to use you in a lot of areas,’” Kobe explained to me one day in practice. ‘The elbow, mid-post, short corner to break apart defenses. I’m going to see a lot of overload defenses, so with you flashing to the high post, you’ve got the talent to be able to catch the ball and look opposite to make those reads and make the right pass. When I get doubled and make that pass, most teams don’t have anybody with your length and size to make the right pass. We’ll win championships with that hockey-assist play because when I kick it to you, you’ll be the one making decisions.’”
“When I sobered up, I realized it was one of the worst things I had ever done as a father. I put my own selfish needs first. I put my beautiful, innocent children second. Now I was actually sick to my stomach with embarrassment. I just wanted to hide away from the world. Winning the championship felt like a million years ago, even though it happened a week before. I just wanted to escape from my own life. I checked into one of my favorite hotels, Shutters on the Beach in Santa Monica, blasted the AC, turned off my phone, and drew the shades tight. I wanted to get high.”
“I never had a strong family unit, and as a thirty-year-old man, it was something I still craved deeply. I’d always wanted brothers and sisters, and all of a sudden, I had five. So many holes in my life were filled instantly. Being with Khloé made me feel like a part of the family. That was valuable to me beyond words.”
“I tried my best not to backslide into drugs and fall down a familiar self-destructive spiral. Khloé was incredibly supportive and was with me nearly every moment. I just needed time to heal. I made a decision: I would get stronger both physically and mentally. I did what I always did and buried myself in basketball. Late that summer I trained in ways I never had before. I took up boxing to improve my coordination, reflexes, core, and overall endurance. I felt strong and fast. My head was clear. I was determined to have a big year on the basketball court . . . and I did.”
“The trade destroyed me mentally, and I could see the most miserable, least productive year of my career barreling down on me like a runaway freight train. Even if I had been in shape and sober, I still wouldn’t have been able to give the Mavericks anything. My love for the game vanished into thin air. My competitive nature faded like day disappearing into night, and there wasn’t a positive thought in my head.”
“That wasn’t even the worst part. Cuban quickly grew to resent me; it seemed his goal was to make my time in Dallas as miserable as possible. He rode me constantly, talked down to me, and questioned my manhood in front of others. During home games he’d grab his usual courtside perch and proceed to hurl obscenities at me.”
“I could not handle the potentially lethal cocktail of the spotlight, drug addiction, a diminishing basketball career, and infidelity. Oh, did I mention the paranoia, anxiety, depression, hangovers, withdrawal, and rejection? But back to the infidelity . . . I struggled to remain faithful. I couldn’t keep my dick in my pants or the coke out of my nose. My man cave had huge custom-made leather chairs, thick brown carpeting, and a cigar bar. Man, I loved that room. But it was also where so many of my demons lived.”
“When I was twelve she said something that I carry with me to this day. I didn’t understand it then, but it has come to define my life. ‘What you do in the darkness comes out in the light.’ From the darkness to the light.”
“About twelve hours later, on Tuesday morning, my body was convulsing. I lay on the floor, dying. I had finally killed myself. Maybe I wanted this, but that wasn’t important. The women who kept me company screamed and called 911. No one was strong enough to pick me up. My face was pressed against the floor. Blood ran from my nose and mouth. I have little recollection of what happened that day because I had lost consciousness sometime that morning.”
“I’m an addict. I was an addict. My coma is the completion of my addiction. It is the completion of my life. The end of my spiral, anxiety, pain, frustration, confusion, and lethal self-medication. This is the final portrait of Lamar. Fuck. I’m not ready.”
“This is the absolute darkest moment of life. Today is the day I’m going to die. It’s my time to fade into the ether. I, Lamar Odom, will merge with the infinite. I will see my mom again. I wonder if she will recognize me. Mildred will be there, too. My son. I will go into that sweet good night. I will go from the darkness to the light. And my spirit wants to leave. But for some reason it can’t. It’s stuck. Something is holding on to it. Then I see what’s keeping me earthbound: Destiny and Lamar Jr. I held them when they were babies. I wouldn’t let them go. Now Destiny held me in the palm of her tiny hand. Lamar Jr. wouldn’t let me go. Their voices echoed in chambers of my heart. Their love coursed through my veins. I was reborn. I would not die that day.”
“When I last played in the NBA, with the Clippers in 2013, I didn’t leave on my own terms. My life was overwhelmed by addiction and despair. The game had lost all meaning. In other words, I had lost my compass.”
“What began as a child’s pure joy for the game on a basketball court in Jamaica, Queens, had ended with a whimper at Little Caesars Arena in Detroit. It’s a sad realization when you can no longer do the thing that gave you so much. Everybody who ever picks up a ball knows that one day, inevitably, you have to surrender the game. You hope it can be on your own terms. If it isn’t, all you can do is accept it.”
“After that day, I drifted into deep thought. Kobe’s death had struck a chord in me, though I was too numb to decipher it. Day by day, I wrestled with whether or not it was real. I had just turned the corner in my life. A new leaf. And now this. It sure as hell didn’t seem real. Would death ever stop stalking me?”
”I got to rub shoulders with greatness and have a little bit of that magic dust sprinkled on me. It will take me a long time to wrap my mind around it, but honestly I don’t know if I ever truly will. I haven’t felt this kind of pain since I lost my son Jayden in 2006. I dipped back down into that well of despair when I learned of Kobe’s passing. I felt like I was suffocating, again just gasping for air. I wanted to stop time and disappear.”
“I realized that this pain wouldn’t go away on its own. I would have to face it on my own terms. As unthinkable as it was, I would go on without my brother. I would not relapse. I would not be self-destructive. I would carry his and Gigi’s name together as one.”
Final Thoughts
As much as Odom talks about basketball and his NBA career in this book, the main topic in his memoir is mental health and addiction.
So, if this piques your curiosity, you can click here to buy a copy from Amazon.